Moments and the spaces in between
by the deepest secret
Summary: Series of Linstead one-shots. Starting with Lindsay's first day at the task force. Ch.2 up: Break up and aftermath included...
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: After reading some really lovely Linstead fanfiction on here, I thought I'd try my hand at it myself. I am totally new to any creative writing, so I am sort of testing the waters with this story. I intend to make this a series of oneshots to go along with the canon storyline (Assuming I don't totally suck and you don't tell me to stop). So this chapter starts with their first night together, because where better to start than at the beginning, right? Fair warning, I am not a native speaker, so there are bound to be some mistakes, although I did my best at proofreading and double checking. If you find any, let me know. Comments and constructive criticism are very much appreciated, thank you. So without much further ado, enjoy!**

Moments and the spaces in between…

Chapter 1 

It is shortly after 7 when Erin finally leaves the office making her way to her car. 'It is only your first day. It wasn't even really a bad day. Mendoza didn't get away. The rest might get better' she tells herself with little hope und less conviction.

Once inside the car, she takes deep breaths, trying to let the frustration and anger of the last few hours go. It doesn't really help. With every exhale she only feels more disappointment settle in; disappointment at how the task force handles their cases and their Cis (how they handle everything, really) and disappointment at how useless this makes her feel. If it wasn't for intelligence they probably wouldn't even have found Mendoza. Kylie might not have made it out alive (She still isn't getting any money). In the end it is her team – her former team, she corrects herself; she is no longer part of it – that makes the difference, not the DEA task force, which, as it turns out, is really more a bunch of pencil pushers and ladder climbers making themselves look good on paper. This isn't her and she doesn't want it to be, ever. So when Lang asks her to attend the press conference, she opts out. You never get your picture in the paper.

She is still sitting in her car in the parking lot with the engine turned off when it dawns on her that she may have made the wrong choice. The things she loves about being a cop and the things that make her who she is (she cares for people) are a footnote at best in her new job and it bothers her immensely. But she is also Erin Lindsey. She doesn't just accept it when something is unacceptable and she doesn't want to let the new job change the kind of cop she is. So with a determined look in her review mirror she starts the car and decides that maybe she needs to be on the task force, precisely because she cares when they don't.

She briefly considers heading to Molly's, because the team is probably there and she could really use a beer (or rather three plus some tequila), but ultimately decides against it. As much a she misses them, she doesn't really feel like talking about her fiasco of a new job to the people she used to work with.

Of course, that is not entirely true, a voice in her head (or is it her heart?) whispers. She could really use some venting to the person she still thinks of as her partner. She doesn't really know how to label their relationship now and she is not sure she even wants to. Now that he is less than her partner he is somehow more, because there is a possibility for them to be more, if she just lets them. She doesn't know if she can. What they could be terrifies her and she doesn't want to mess things up. He is her best friend, her "go to person" and she can't imagine him ever not being. But at the same time she wants that 'one day' with him so desperately that she might just not care about the rest.

By the time she is parked in front of her apartment building that little voice in her head is all but yelling at her to just go over to Jay's. And when she looks up to the windows of her empty apartment, it takes her a fraction of second to decide to turn the car around.

It doesn't even occur to her until she stands in front of his apartment door that she probably should have called ahead. He might not even be home. But he is and she hears him shuffling to the door moments after her soft knock. When he opens the door, he seems surprised to find her on the other side, but he smiles nonetheless.

She tells him "hey", and almost cringes at the way it comes out, nervous and slightly sad. He doesn't seem to notice and gives her a friendly "Hi" in return. He is dressed so casually in black sweatpants and a t-shirt that Erin suddenly feels a little insecure about disturbing him. But he tells her he is watching her press conference and asks her to come in. So she walks past him and stands behind the couch, watching the rest of the press conference unfold.

"So this is how you're spending your evening? You must really miss me!" She teases him, although on some level she hopes that he actually did watch the conference because of her.

He comes to stand next to her, hands in his pockets, and lets out a soft laugh,

"They didn't let you do any of the talking… No offense to Lang, but you're a little easier on the eyes."

He almost grins at her as he says it. His tone is lighthearted, but Erin is not really in the mood for their usual flirtatious banter, so she answers him seriously after barely repressing a sigh. That whole press thing isn't her scene, plus she still follows Voight's rule about not appearing in the paper, or in this case on TV.

He turns more serious as he watches Erin's somber expression. He asks her if she wants to talk about her day. His voice is soft and the look he gives her makes her feel like he already knows about all of it and understands. It really shouldn't come as a surprise to her (after all, they have always been attuned to each other), but the realization that he really does know her and cares for her somehow still amazes her. And it makes all the difference. She already feels so much better because of him. She doesn't want to talk about how crappy her day was, because, really, it doesn't matter that much anymore. She feels happy and cared for when she is with him… And right now that is all she wants.

She tells him she doesn't really want to talk. The implication of what she wants from him, but isn't saying hanging in the air between them. She can hear herself speaking the words. They come out almost as a question and make her sound vulnerable even to her own ears.

She inhales deeply in an attempt to calm the nervousness that is spreading through her veins as he turns to face her with an expression that she can't quite read. Gone are the traces of his usual easy smile when is with her, replaced by something akin to wonder, maybe tenderness. He keeps his eyes on hers as he steps towards her, almost asking her if she is serious, daring her to back out before it's too late. But she is and she doesn't. So she stands there unmoving, staring at him until he is only inches away from her.

He is still looking at her with the same tender expression and she gives him a soft smile, because this, him, is what she wants. The corners of his lips turn up in response to her smile as his right hand comes up to the side of her face, his thumb swiping across her cheekbone. She isn't sure whether she is still breathing properly or if there is even any oxygen left in the room. Then, with a slight tug he pulls her face towards his, his other hand going to her waist, and the remaining distance is gone.

His lips are soft against hers. It feels so right, but it also isn't enough for her. She craves more. So she pushes herself up on her toes and closer to him. Her hands gripping his shoulder as she tries to eliminate any space left between them. The kiss becomes hungry, almost desperate, as she pulls him towards herself while he pushes against her until her back hits the wall. Or is it the door? She really doesn't care.

He pulls his head slightly back to look at her (maybe to make sure she still wants this), but she doesn't want to be separated from him so she tries to follow until her lips can't reach his anymore. When she finally moves back down, her eyes never leave his face. He looks at her with those eyes again and it makes her thoughts even more incoherent, if possible. She feels lightheaded; the blood is rushing in her ears and her heart hammering in her chest. The loud breathing is probably hers, too. But before she can make sense of anything, his hand is holding her jaw and a small smile escapes her lips before they reconnect with his.

The kiss is deeper, but slower, their tongues exploring each other. He is pushing her jacket off her shoulders and she can't get rid of it fast enough as she clumsily wiggles out of it, all the while trying not to lose the contact of his lips. Her hands find their way under his shirt, roaming over his torso as his hands fumble with her blouse. She tugs at his shirt and he moves to lose it in one swift motion. The rest of their clothes follow soon until there is nothing left but the thin material of their underwear.

They separate only for a brief second (she needs the oxygen) and in her blissful haze she wonders why they haven't done this sooner. He is holding her so gently and kissing her so passionately it makes her entire body ache. Then his hands find her thighs and she feels him lifting her up. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she swears her skin is being scorched by his touch and it is burning her alive. A smile spreads on her face, because it's the best feeling in the world.

He carries her to the bed easily, her arms still around his neck. When he lowers her on top of the sheets, he hesitates for a moment and standing back up looks at her with a slightly goofy smile. She lets him and gazes back at him, because in that moment she feels so safe and warm and real… and he looks at her like she is the most beautiful woman in the world to him. Then, she pulls him back to the bed. Right now she wants to be as near to him as possible. And even when they are skin on skin with no barriers left, it is still not close enough. She buries her face in his neck as they become one, but he moves to look at her before finding her lips again. She is drowning in glorious ecstasy moments later and he follows soon after.

When it is over, she moves to lie next to him, her head on his chest, while he is drawing patterns on the bare skin of her back. "Wow…" is all she manages to say. She is still basking in the afterglow, her body tingling all over.

"Yeah, that was… wow." He responds with something between a laugh and a content sigh.

She tilts her head up to look at him and drops a kiss on his chest before settling back down.

"Yeah."

It doesn't take long for her to fall asleep after that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**** So, first of all, thank you all so much for reading, commenting, following and favorite-ing. Considering this is the first story I've ever written, I was blown away by so much positive feedback. So a big THANK YOU to you all!**

**I know it has been way too long since I posted the first chapter, but what can I say life, school and work got in the way. I am really sorry. I started writing this right after the break-up episode (to get over my Linstead-withdrawal), but somehow it got longer and later with no end in sight. In hindsight I probably should have made this more than one chapter because it is almost 20 pages long, but I didn't write in chronological order, so you get everything at once. I hope it doesn't drag too much. I am not quite happy with it, especially the end, but I wanted to get it out eventually… So this is the break-up itself and how they (not) move on. I kinda feel that what I write somehow ends up way more cheesy, clichéd and melodramatic than I intend it to be, but hey, it is fanfiction, right? As I am German and English is my second language, please let me know about any mistakes you find. Comments are always appreciated!**

Chapter 2:

"Voight knows!" Jay tells her coming to stand in front of her in the locker room.

She already knows. The veiled warning this morning was loud and clear to her ears. She must have replayed it in her head a million times since then. And every time she does, she hears the undertone of disappointment even more so. Voight's anger for disregarding the rules she can handle, his disappointment in her for breaking his trust, however she cannot. Deep down, she knows that he won't pardon her for it. He won't pardon them.

Yet, Jay standing in front of her, so determined and secure in their relationship, somehow makes it feel worth it all. He wants to tell Voight, talk to him right then and there.

"For the record, I don't care. I said we should come clean a month ago and I'm gonna talk to him right now." He doesn't even appear apprehensive as he turns around to head to Voight's office.

She has called out his name to stop him before even fully realizing what asking him not to go means for them. What she is doing?! Her heart is screaming at her for the impossible choice she is about to make and it is written all over her face. He looks worried now, his eyes searching hers for reassurance that she isn't about to end something so worth fighting for. She knows he would do about anything for her and that is why she can't let him. Maybe it is the seed of doubt that has finally grown its roots telling her that they can't possibly work (he is not a dentist after all) or that she can't imagine him not being her partner anymore, but she is suddenly afraid to risk it all and ruin her relationship with the one person she can't bear to disappoint in the process. So instead she breaks his heart and hers along with it.

"I wish it was that easy. You know it's different for me." She feels like she is choking on the words and seeing his face fall when she speaks them just makes it indefinitely worse. He looks away then. She can tell that he is struggling to keep his composure. But so is she, trying desperately to keep the tears from falling. When he does look her in the eyes again, she can clearly see the disappointment and pain in his. He makes no effort to hide it. But she doesn't know how to make this hurt less. If she did, she wouldn't feel like her own heart was bleeding out. Maybe he can see the invisible blood stain, because he reaches for her shoulder, squeezing it as if to comfort her. Or maybe he just needs to hold on to her for a little while longer.

"I understand." He tells her then, and even though she is softly nodding at him, she wishes he didn't, so he could tell her that they'll work it out and that he won't give up on them just because she has. But he doesn't and they both know that this is where it ends.

His hand moves up to cradle the side of her face and she wraps her own around his wrist to keep it there. One last time, just for a few more seconds, until she is ready to let him go. She leans into his palm, savoring the touch that has made her feel so loved this past month, but is now bittersweet torture.

"So… we'll cool it" He says as his hand drops back to her shoulder, the regret in his voice betraying that this is the opposite of what he wants. But this is Jay and he always puts her first, even if it means pushing all those feelings back into the box, where they had kept them buried for so long. She isn't so sure if that is even possible anymore. Just looking at him makes her want to take it all back. However, she knows she can't. It is already too messy and this, she tells herself, this is for the best. At least they will still be partners. Maybe, even good friends again.

"But we'll always have each other's back." He tells her and he means it. He won't go anywhere.

"Always." She still needs him to be there, too. She won't go anywhere either.

"Alright…" So this is how it ends for them. "That's good enough for now." He says, but she wonders if it ever will be again. He is still holding onto the hope that one day it won't have to be and maybe so is she. One day, right? Unfortunately, the fleeting hope for something that is a lifetime away doesn't change anything for them now. So they keep their eyes fixed on each other, trying to reassure themselves that despite everything they will be okay. Then, with one last look, he is gone and they are over.

It isn't a final goodbye; she will see him tomorrow, sitting at his desk across from her like he always does. Work will be the same, but they won't be. They will be almosts and maybes to each other and her heart will be in pieces, because she made it so. She tries to silence the screeching protest in her heart, but she can still hear it as loud as a cry. A right choice shouldn't feel so wrong.

Taking a deep breath Erin gathers her things and makes her way out of the precinct. She heads straight to Molly's from there, because going home to an empty apartment, where she will be alone with her thoughts is the last thing she wants right now. Alcohol (and lots of it) seems to be the much better option.

Once inside she takes a seat on the stool at the bar ordering some tequila. Gabby notices immediately that something must be off and raising an eyebrow asks,

"That kind of day, huh?" Coming to a bar on a Thursday night to drink tequila by yourself is probably a dead giveaway that there is something wrong. Everything is wrong.

"Oh yeah. Definitely." The moment the words have left her mouth, she realizes whose words she just repeated and her heart stutters painfully in her chest. Before she can gather herself Gabby has already placed two shot glasses in front of them and starts filling them up, obviously intending to join her in moral support. Thankful that it is Gabby who is working tonight, Erin can't help the question that slips past her lips.

"Can you date someone you work with?" Would they have made it work if she had risked it? She knows that the circumstances of their jobs make and break relationships every day, but she can't help thinking that Jay and her could have been the exception, because they had been different from the start. It had felt so real and she had been so happy, and now she feels like she is drowning. Gabby's answer doesn't give her much hope, however. The risks end up being too much to make it work in the long run, she tells her. Trying to keep her head above water, Erin toasts to plowing ahead anyway and they down their shots, the burning liquid in her throat temporarily overshadowing the aching in her heart. She drinks five more after that, because it makes her feel better, or at least number.

When it is time to go she leaves her car where it is, because she is knows she shouldn't be driving anymore. Besides she can use a bit of air and a little walk. So she makes her way through the frigid weather to the nearest "L" station, which is still a good few minutes away. She doesn't even feel that cold, but guesses that may be due to the amount of tequila in her system. Great, as if tomorrow wouldn't suck enough already, she will probably also have a massive hangover in the morning to go along with the heartache.

Getting home takes her much longer than she anticipated and by the time she has closed her apartment door behind her, her toes have likely frozen off and she has reached the part of drunkenness where the tequila is throwing her a miserable pity party inside her head. She is tired and sad and just misses him.

Hoping that the dreamless state of alcohol induced sleep will come fast, she has stripped down to her underwear, washed her face and brushed her teeth in record time. But when she goes to put on her pajamas, she remembers that she has mostly been sleeping in one of his shirts and surely enough finds it sitting on the back of the chair in the corner of her bedroom. She knows she shouldn't and that she will only make it harder on herself, but her tequila muddled emotions win out and she quickly pulls the shirt over her head before turning the lights off and crawling into bed.

Whether it is the sheets or the shirt she doesn't know, but laying there in the dark she can still faintly smell his cologne and the first muffled sob escapes her lips. She tries to hold back the tears; Erin Lindsey doesn't cry over some boy. But he is not just some boy. So she is fighting a losing battle and soon enough the unbidden tears flow anyway until she falls asleep some twenty-odd minutes later.

The next morning she does indeed look like she hasn't slept in days. Her skin seems even paler than usual with an unhealthy green undertone, her eyes are puffy and not even layers of heavy concealer can hide the dark circles under them (not that she doesn't try). She feels even worse than she looks, though. She has to skip her morning coffee, because she doubts her stomach can take it, which leaves her tired and with a splitting headache. She feels like her entire body hurts and wonders if it is the hangover or her mind that is causing it, because she is pretty sure that her heart hurts, too.

There is no way she is making last night's journey again in her condition, so she takes a taxi to Molly's to get her car. She is still over half an hour late when she makes it to the district, but it is that is the least of her worries at that point. She hurries up the stairs to the office, but before she makes it to the bullpen she literally runs into Burgess. Erin drops the water bottle she has been holding like her holy grail since she left her apartment this morning in the attempt to grab the handrail to keep herself from falling down the stairs. It isn't that hard of an impact, but Erin still feels unsteady on her feet and slightly woozy. Burgess immediately starts to apologize, but Erin interrupts her, because in all probability it was her own fault. She wasn't paying attention to anything, at all. Get it together, she chastises herself.

"No, I'm sorry Burgess. Really, that was my fault. I don't know where my head was." She says looking around. She still hasn't stepped away from the railing or made any movement towards the water bottle that is now laying two steps below her feet. Burgess picks it up instead and holds it out to her.

"Are you okay detective?"

Erin takes the bottle and nods her head. "Yes, thanks." However, her answer can't have been very convincing, because Burgess furrows her brows and asks again.

"Are you sure? Because I mean, ahem no offense, but you look a little pale… and well, a bit out of it I guess?!" Burgess trails off on the last part, clearly not wanting to be rude. Erin is thankful that Kim wants to make sure she is alright, but cringes internally, because apparently it is so very obvious that she is not.

"Yes, I am sure. I just overslept a little this morning. Thanks for asking though. And sorry again…" She lies and hopes Burgess will believe her this time.

"Okay, yeah sure. Have a good day." Kim answers, even though she doesn't look convinced in the least.

"You, too" Erin gives her half a smile before continuing up the stairs. She really needs to pull herself together before she arrives at her desk. Taking deep breaths, she just hopes that today will be slow and only consist of a paper work. That wish must be a first for her, but she really doesn't feel emotionally or physically able to do anything else today, especially considering that Jay would probably be right next to her the entire time if they got a case. She'd really like to postpone that joyride of awkwardness for another day, when she doesn't feel like hell just spit her back up. Why didn't she just call in sick?

When she walks into the bullpen everyone, including Jay, is already working. He is busy on his computer, so he doesn't notice that she is there until she mumbles a general "morning" to the group and walks past his desk to take a seat at her own. He looks up at her then, his eyes focusing on her face, and gives her a small smile, albeit a little sad and unsure one. She is a bit surprised at how happy she is to see him even considering the state they are currently in. Maybe they are going to be okay, she thinks. They are still them. A smile has made its way to her face before she realizes it.

"Hey" she tells him. His smile widens a little then. "Hi" he tells her back. Their eyes still haven't left the other's face and she realizes that they are already starting to blur the lines again, but she can't help it. This is going to be impossible. She has to stop herself from sighing out loud.

Just as they are about to turn their attention back to their desks, Ruzek shows off impeccable timing by piping up.

"Hey Lindsey, this is historical. I mean I don't think I have ever been in before you since I work here. I'll have to mark that day in my calendar!" He tells her with an overly dramatic performance.

"Really? And you are proud of that?! But hey, mark your day of glory, 'cause it will remain your only one." She laughs back at him. However, he isn't entirely wrong. It is highly unusual for her to come in late without a good reason. Jay seems to have noticed that as well, because he leans closer over his desk a minute later and asks in a low whisper if she is okay.

"Yeah." _No, I am not. I miss you and I feel sick because of it._ But of course she doesn't tell him that. She has no right and he really doesn't need to know that she feels like she is about to barf all over her desk, because she drank too much at her own sob fest. After all, she is the one who ended things. So instead she nods her head and gives him a smile, hoping she is doing a better job at convincing him than she did with Kim. She can't tell if he believes her, but he doesn't say anything further. He probably knows the obvious answer anyway. However, he keeps glancing over at her with an expression she can't read. Maybe he is worried. Maybe he just misses her like she does him.

By noon, Erin is actually feeling worse than she did when she arrived this morning. She didn't think that was possible, but apparently it is. She still hasn't touched any coffee, so thinking that it might at least help her tiredness, she gets herself a cup with extra sugar to make it less bitter. Ten minutes later it proves to have been a bad idea, because she feels flushed and shaky and her stomach is even queasier than before. Hoping that some air and a splash of cold water to the face will help, she gets up from her desk. The movement, however, is too abrupt and she suddenly feels dizzy and has to put her hands on top of her desk to stop herself from swaying on her feet. Unfortunately, the little incident doesn't go unnoticed. Jay and Antonio are both looking at her with a worried expression now, but before either of them can say anything, she tells them that she is fine. Her tone is a little too sharp, she knows, but she really doesn't want them to worry over her, especially not Jay. She knows that he would and she couldn't stand it. So she hurries to the restrooms as fast as she can.

The cold water does help, a lot. Drying her face with a paper towel, she sees herself in the mirror for the first time since this morning and realizes why everybody has been eying her so skeptically. Her cheeks are flushed, but the rest of her skin seems almost grey. Her eyes are glassy and blood shot with heavy and too dark circles under them. She wonders if she might actually be getting sick and not just have the hangover of a lifetime, but tries to convince herself that she is already feeling better. That is until a wave of nausea hits her and she barely manages to reach the stall in time to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

When she emerges from the stall, Burgess is standing in front of the sink, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

"Are you still going to tell me that you are okay?" Her tone indicating that she doesn't really expect an answer. Erin doesn't know if Kim came here looking for her or if it is a pure coincidence, but she is glad that at least she doesn't have to pretend to be fine anymore.

"No, obviously I am not. I feel like I was hit by a truck. And then the driver backed up over me again." Erin grimaces before rinsing her mouth.

"Well, at least we know you are not dying, if you are still joking." Kim offers her a small smile.

An "Mmmh" is all Erin manages as she leans on the sink closing her eyes, willing the dizziness to go away. She can feel Burgess watching her with a worried look.

"How about you go downstairs and get some fresh air, while I go and get your things and then I will give you a ride home. I don't think you should be working." Kim offers then and Erin knows she is right. There is no way she is going to make till six tonight and the thought of being able crawl into her bed within the hour is more than tempting. So she agrees. Kim even offers to excuse her to Voight, so she doesn't have to make the trip back to the bullpen, for which Erin is more than thankful. The two hallways and one corner seem like a marathon to her all of the sudden. She just wants to go home.

"Okay, I'll meet you downstairs." Kim says before hurrying to collect Erin's things.

She has barely made it down the stairs when Kim catches up with her, Erin's coat slung over one arm. As Erin reaches for it, she notices that Burgess is holding her phone and keys in one hand and her trashcan(?) in the other.

"Really?" Erin asks eying the trashcan. Kim just shrugs in response.

"Well it is your car, but I thought better safe than sorry, right? Don't worry I will bring it back right away." Erin has to concede that it is probably a good idea, even if it is totally embarrassing to be walking around with her trashcan. However, throwing up in her car does not seem like the better alternative, so she doesn't disagree. Still, Erin can only imagine the teasing she will have to endure on Monday, when she comes back to the office.

"Please, tell me that you didn't just take MY trashcan and carried it out of the office?" Maybe Kim managed to be subtle and nobody noticed, she hopes, but is soon disappointed when Kim mumbles her answer. "Umm, actually, umm, I had to go back for it because I didn't think of it at first… sorry!" They have reached the car by now and Erin gets into the passenger seat.

"I guess that's what you get for coming to the office sick" Erin sighs and closes her eyes as Kim starts the car and pulls out of the parking spot. She leans her head against the headrest because she is still feeling dizzy and queasy. Kim asks her then, why she came in when it is so obvious that she wasn't feeling well and Erin contemplates telling her the truth, all of it. She feels like it is eating her up inside and she doesn't really have anybody to talk to about it. The two people she is closest to and trusts the most are out of the question, leaving her to deal with the aftermath of her broken heart on her own. In the end she settles on half the truth, even though she is pretty sure that Kim wouldn't breathe a word to anyone if she did tell her everything.

"Honestly, I thought I just had a major hangover from last night." Erin finally answers, eyes still closed, a small chuckle coming from her lips as she realizes how ridiculous that sounds.

"You must have had a good night then." Kim says and Erin's face unwillingly takes on a sad and somewhat bitter expression. "Or a really bad one." Kim adds in a low voice upon noticing Erin's reaction. Her eyes are still closed and she is glad that Kim can't see the tears that are threatening to spill at any moment. She draws in a deep breath, trying to push the feelings back down, but it is no use and she has said it before she can stop herself.

"I was sort of seeing this guy…We broke up last night. And he is great, I mean really great. So yeah, my night wasn't a good one." She isn't one of those people who talk about their emotions much, truly, she doesn't need to, but she is wary, tired and sick, and right now she is so relieved to have said it out loud. As if someone knowing that, although she ended it, she is hurting too makes the pain somehow more valid and less overwhelming.

Kim clearly doesn't know what to say in response, because she opens and closes her mouth several times before finally just telling her "I'm sorry." It isn't much, but Kim sounds genuine when she says it and Erin is grateful that Kim insisted on driving her home. She hadn't realized how much she needed someone to know and care. "Thank you."

The rest of the drive is silent, except for a few directions given by Erin. When they arrive at her apartment complex, Kim insists on following her up to the apartment to make sure she actually makes it there safely. Erin doesn't think it is necessary, but doesn't argue either. Once inside Kim asks her if she needs anything before she goes, but she doesn't. She just wants to climb into her bed and sleep for a month. It doesn't occur to her until Kim reaches the front door and puts her car keys on the table beside it that Kim doesn't have a way of getting back to the precinct.

"How are you getting back? You can take my car if you want…" She feels it is the least she can do after everything Kim has done for her in the last hour. But Kim just smiles and shakes her head no.

"Don't worry. Roman is already on his way to pick me up. You go and rest. I hope you'll feel better soon. If you need anything, give me a call, okay?" Kim says opening the door.

"Kim!" Erin calls her back before she can leave. "Thank you... For everything." She makes a motion as if to indicate what 'everything' actually entails.

"Anytime." And with that Kim is gone and Erin makes her way into her bedroom, already stripping whatever clothes she can on the way there. When she tries to take off her jeans, she hears a loud clunk and remembers that she put her cell phone in her back pocket. With a groan she bends to pick it up, hoping she didn't just break it. That would make the already lovely day just that much better. Thankfully, it isn't broken though. She does, however, have three unread messages. One from Kim ('I mean it, call me if you need anything.'), one from Voight ('Feel better soon, kid. Let me know if you need anything') and the last one from Jay. She hesitates a moment before opening it.

'Hey Erin, if I can do anything, call or text, okay? Whenever, I mean it… Hope you're feeling better soon. - Jay'

She can't keep the smile from forming on her lips, because he still wants to take care of her. Of course he does, he is still Jay. However, the smile is soon replaced by a teary eyed frown when she once more realizes just how much she let slip through her fingers. They came so close to having everything and now she doesn't know how to make them nothing again. He will forever be something for her, forever a chance not taken.

In the end she settles on sending the same short reply to all of them, because she is too tired to do anything else. 'Thanks, I'll be okay. I just need some rest.' She pulls her curtains shut before putting Jay's shirt on and slipping under the covers of her bed. She is asleep within seconds, but it is a feverish sleep and she keeps tossing and turning for hours. She wakes up several times during the night. The first few times her half-awake mind has forgotten that Jay is no longer lying in bed beside her and she reaches out for him only to find the space next to her empty. When the realization finally comes, she buries herself deeper into to the covers, willing away the weight that suddenly seems to make it hard to breathe. Funny, how she has gotten so used to him being there in so little time.

When she wakes up again on Saturday morning, her fever has gone done and she feels somewhat better, but her nose is slightly stuffy and her throat sore. She is actually relieved that it gives her a reason to spend the rest of the weekend on her couch watching crappy television. Technically she is sick, not moping, she tells herself (although the empty carton of ice cream on her coffee table suggests otherwise).

Monday morning comes too soon and Erin contemplates calling in sick for another day, but ultimately knows that staying home longer, won't make her feel any more prepared for working alongside Jay again. She can do this. This is work, she can be professional. They were fine on Friday… well, mostly.

She is the first one to arrive in the bullpen, but soon finds that Voight is already there, getting coffee in the break room.

"Good morning, Hank." She means to sound purposefully cheerful (he doesn't need to know that she isn't), but her voice is even raspier than usual and cracks midway through the words. She hadn't realized the cold was still so clearly lingering in her voice.

"Morning, Erin. You sure you should be back at work? You don't sound too good." He eyes her skeptically, but she laughs it off.

"Yes Hank, I am fine. Good to work, really!" Now that she actually is at the precinct, she is really glad to be out of her apartment. Keeping busy is just what she needs.

"Okay, glad to have you back, kid." He tells her before leaving her to get her coffee.

She has just replaced the coffee pot in the machine, when she hears footsteps and looks up to see Jay entering the little kitchen.

"Hey" He smiles at her as comes to stand next to her. "So you're feeling better?" He reaches for the coffee pot and she moves away slightly, unsure if they should be standing so close together.

"Yeah, all better. Just a little cold, that was all." Of course her voice still sounds like sandpaper and Jay lets out a soft laugh at hearing her speak for the first time this morning. He gives her his typical half-grin that is almost a smirk and she can't help corners of her mouth lifting up in response, because she loves that smile and it just makes her stupidly happy to see it.

"You kinda sound like Voight though." He tells her still smiling, one eyebrow raised. He is teasing her and she narrows her eyes at him, although she wants to grin like a fool, because she is so relieved that their usual banter is still there. It is the first time that she thinks it is possible for them to make it through the awkwardness. They can cool it and still be them. Maybe, her heart will even stop aching every time she looks at him, although it seems unlikely at the moment.

"Watch it, Halstead!" Her first instinct is to punch him playfully in the arm when she says it. That is what she would have done a few days ago, but now they are different and she hesitates. Touching him seems too flirtatious, too intimate now, and that is something they can no longer be. In the end, she doesn't do anything and just grabs her coffee cup before heading to her desk.

It doesn't take long for the rest of the unit to arrive and Voight wastes no time informing them that they have a case. The briefing is over quickly. There are no leads, no suspects and just generally very little information, so Voight sends the team to contact their CIs, talk to the handful of witnesses they have or in Erin and Jay's case to recheck the crime scene. Although relieved that Voight is apparently not intending to end her partnership with Jay, she is a little worried how she is going to get through the next few hours alone with him.

The forty minute car ride to the warehouse on outskirts of the city is indeed fairly quiet and somewhat tense. The silence feels painfully unnatural to her, but she doesn't know what to say either, so the few words they exchange remain sorely about the case. Once at the crime scene, they somehow manage to slip into their old professional routine and Erin can't help feeling a little proud of how well they still work together. Nevertheless, the trip turns out be a wasted one as they find nothing new to help the case. They have been looking for over an hour and there is just nothing there.

Frustrated, Erin suggests that they head back to the precinct. It is freezing even inside the warehouse and her throat is starting to hurt from the cold, making her cough repeatedly. Jay agrees with her, but then adds

"We should check the neighboring property before leaving." He looks intently at her then, as if he is waiting for her to disagree. When she nods, he opens his mouth to say something else, but eventually he just averts his gaze and turns to head outside to the property line. She considers asking him what he meant to say, but isn't so sure she even wants to know. So she wordlessly follows him across the yard. It isn't until a few minutes later, when she is trying to suppress a cough again, that Jay finally breaks their unspoken agreement of non-communication.

"Erin, are you okay?" He asks seriously, eyes trained on her face.

"Yeah, of course. Why?" He catches her off guard. Why would he ask her that now?

"You have been coughing since we got here. You can go back to the car and wait there if you are not feeling well. I can finish up here." He offers. Oh, she isn't sure what she thought he had meant, but she definitely didn't think it was that obvious that the cold was bothering her. Not that she would admit it to him.

"No, it's okay. I'm fine. I am not letting you walk around a crime scene by yourself. I have your back." _Always._ If keeping that promise is the best she can give him she will. She is determined and he knows it, but he still looks at her for a long moment, a little bit worried, pressing his lips together like he always does when he is contemplating something. It drives her crazy.

"Okay." He smiles then, seemingly dropping what he really meant to say, yet again. He continues with his investigation, but she gets the feeling that he is hurrying through it much faster than he was before. He doesn't say anything further, but she knows it is for her benefit. Of course, she can't fool him. He always seems to be able to read her, even if she has her walls up a mile high.

Fortunately for her, it doesn't take them much longer, because there is nothing to be found on the surrounding property either. She is hurrying ahead, back to the car, when Jay speaks up again.

"You know, I have your back, too. But you need to let me." She stops in her tracks and spins around to face him. He sounds almost hurt, but she can't fathom why he would think that she wouldn't want him to have her back.

"What are you talking about?" She asks genuinely confused. He looks straight at her then as if to say, you know what I mean, but she doesn't. She would rather have him as her partner than anyone else. Surely, he knows that. After a moment of her staring back at him, he sighs.

"You can tell me when you're not feeling well. In fact, I need to know when you are off your game." There is a hint of accusation in his voice, not much, but it isn't lost on her.

"Jay, I am fine. I am just coughing a little, because the air is literally freezing my lungs..." She really doesn't understand why he is blowing this so out of proportion.

"But you weren't fine on Friday. You were so sick, you had Burgess get your stuff and take your fucking trashcan. And yet you couldn't tell me." He sounds disappointed and almost angry at her. It dawns on her now why he is. She wishes she could tell him that she doesn't want to shut him out, but she can't. It is the only way she knows how to handle them anymore. She swallows hard, trying to keep her vision from getting blurry. He looks hurt, standing in front of her with his eyes fixed on her face and his eyebrows drawn together. By trying to stop herself from hurting she is inevitably causing him pain, she realizes now. It makes for a bitter epiphany, when all she had wanted was to save them the pain when they got in too deep. How could she be so naïve? They started out long past that exit point.

She doesn't know what to say to him. There is nothing she can do to make them better, because closing herself off is the one thing that keeps her from falling apart. So she stays silent and he continues. "I would have taken you home, but you were too stubborn to even let me know. I was worried. Just because were are not seeing each other anymore doesn't mean I don't notice or care Erin!"

She can feel her self-control slipping with every word of his. Doesn't he understand that that is precisely why she cannot tell him?

"I know you do. I'm sorry. I just…" She stumbles through her answer. How can she tell him that she doesn't know how to cool it off, when she is the one who pushed for it? "I just don't know what to do, I guess. I don't know how to figure this out when you are everywhere and… and…" _And I love you_. She bites her lips to stop herself before the words slip out. Now that she has no right to say them anymore, she knows she would have meant them. Of course she loves him. It seems so obvious now. Why else would she have been willing to move to Wisconsin with him? Really, she should have realized it sooner. She almost wants to laugh at her own stupidity, if it wasn't such a cruel joke. She draws in a ragged breath. Understanding that you love someone just a little too late to let them know, must be fate's most ironic way of screwing you over.

His gaze is still fixed on her face, imploring her to finish her sentence, but she has long lost her train of thought. So she just stares at him while her head tries to catch up with what her heart has already known for so long. He looks hurt, but she doesn't know what to say without making it worse.

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't." It is more of a whimper when she finally manages to say anything at all. She can feel herself starting to dissolve, but can't do anything to prevent it from happening. There must be someone squeezing her heart with an iron fist trying to crush it, because she can literally feel it crumbling in her chest. And then everything just implodes. The tears make it to the surface and she can't hold back the sob that escapes her lips. She tries to hide it by turning around to the car and quickly swiping the tears from her face, but she knows he has seen them when she hears him softly utter her name. He is standing so much closer to her now; she can feel him right behind her. Before she can open the door to get in the car he has put his hand on her shoulder, stilling her in her movement. Then, he is in front of her blocking her from getting inside and she has no choice but to look up at him. They are inches apart now, their eyes trained on each other. She gives him a sad smile and a shrug of the shoulders, finally surrendering to letting him see her when she is vulnerable. She can't help it when it comes to them.

His expression changes slowly until it mirrors hers. He doesn't know what to do either. He misses her, too. Then he reaches up to put his hand on the side of her neck and for split second she thinks he might kiss her. It would make everything so much better and that much worse. However, he doesn't. Instead pulls her into a tight embrace. It is safe and warm and she is holding on just as tightly, while her tears make their way into his jacket. She feels his lips on her hair for a second, but it is over before she is sure it even happened. It just makes her miss him more, his touch, his lips and this feeling of belonging that nothing and no one else can give her. He didn't kiss her, but she wishes he had. He would have taken away the choice she doesn't dare to make. She can never choose him. So with on last deep breath (he still smells like home to her) she detangles herself from him and steps away, giving him a tentative smile as she swipes away the last reminders of her tears.

"Thank you. Apparently, I really needed that." She says with a small chuckle, hoping to alleviate the awkwardness she can feel creeping in. There never used to be any awkwardness between them and now they seem to be made of it.

"Anytime… and I might have needed that, too." He smiles at her before making his way around to the passenger side. Before getting in, he looks at her again and asks lightly "Wanna go grab lunch?" It is a simple question, completely ordinary and innocent, but it is just that. For the first time since Thursday it doesn't feel tense.

They end up eating in a small diner with really bad coffee. The conversation is light, albeit mostly about work, and somehow a little teasing slips into it. She even steals a sip of his soda after she has tasted her coffee.

"Hey, you have your own!" He complains with a mock frown.

"Yeah, but it is disgusting." She whispers so only he can hear and then makes him taste the offending brew himself. Seeing his face distort in disgust, she bursts out laughing. He grins back at her as his gaze settles on hers and she holds it for a moment too long before averting her eyes. She is slipping again. Looking at her hands, she wishes she could reach across the table for his. And suddenly the lightheartedness is gone as she realizes that even if they manage to be friends again, it won't be enough. When they arrive back at the precinct, the air between them has shifted back to heavy silence full of unspoken words and longing glances. Not tense anymore, but all the more somber.

After that first fallout they don't mention their relationship again as if pretending to be okay will make it so. They develop a well versed routine that makes them great partners, but never quite lets them cross over to being more. She is grateful he is there, but she doesn't know what to do around him. How far she can go without opening up the wounds that are barely healing or making the fatal mistake that would destroy the fragile balance that they are still figuring out? When does teasing become flirting; where is the line for that? She still doesn't know how to get them back.

And then there are the moments where she is sure they have crossed the line, because he is looking at her with those eyes and she can't help herself. She can't stop herself from looking at him every so often. And she misses him the most then, even when he is sitting right next to her. Sometimes it feels like the hole in her chest might swallow her. More than once she has to stop herself from reaching over, just to touch him. They are in limbo and she can't stand it, but she also can't make herself stop. She craves those little moments, where she can pretend that they are happy and she is whole. She depends on them to get her through the day. It isn't until two weeks later that she understands that like an addiction the high is fleeting and coming down is even harder.

The team has finally made progress in a case they have been working on for days. It is supposed to be a simple bust, just one guy in his house. Burgess and Roman are parked in their squad car down the street for back up and the team is more than ready to apprehend the suspect. As they approach the front door, Voight sends Jay around the house to secure the back entrance like he always does. Erin follows him, her hand on his shoulder, signaling him that she is there. They hear Voight's voice over the radio telling them to breach and Jay moves to quickly open the door, but he never actually makes it inside. She isn't sure how it happens, because she is standing behind Jay and can't really see, but as soon as the door swings open, she hears three shots and then Jay is knocked backwards and falls to the ground right next to her. Her eyes are following his body as it tumbles to the ground and panic invades her mind as she registers what just happened. Before she can even raise her gun and aim it at the shooter, there are two more shots and the guy drops to the ground. Olinsky and Ruzek are already entering the backroom guns raised and within seconds she is on the floor next to Jay. He is lying on his back with his eyes wide open, but he isn't moving, at all. Fear spreads through her like a wildfire. _Oh God no, please, no, no, no… _Her hands cradle his face, holding it tightly, willing him to be okay. He blinks then, once, twice, before his eyes finally focus on the person leaning over him. He is wearing his vest, but she still doesn't know where he is hit, so her eyes frantically search his torso for any blood.

"Jay, are you hurt?" She asks urgently, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. Maybe it is the panic that is still gripping her heart. He groans as he slowly pulls himself into a sitting position. Her hands drop from his face, but she isn't ready to let go of him so they settle on his chest.

"I'm fine. I'm pretty sure the bullets only hit the vest." Pretty sure? That isn't enough for her. She needs to know for certain, so her hands begin to tear at the clasps of his vest to check for possible injuries underneath. She doesn't get very far though as his hands grip her wrists and push her back.

"Erin, stop! I'm okay!" He tells her curtly. She is taken aback a little by the harshness of his tone, but it doesn't deter her from worrying that he is hurt. She is his partner after all and she is supposed to have his back.

"Just let me check that we don't need to get you to a doctor… please." She sounds almost begging, but she doesn't care. She came so close to losing him she just needs to be sure he is alright. As she moves to attempt to remove the vest for the second time, he brushes her hands off again, but this time more forcefully.

"I'm fine! Just leave it. I don't need you to hover over me." She is stunned at his reaction and his words sting more than she would ever admit. Surely, she is still allowed to care for him. They are partners. They are supposed to always have each other's backs, but he doesn't even seem to want her near him anymore. Before she can pull herself together, she hears Voight's voice behind her asking Jay if he is okay. She hadn't even noticed that the rest of the team, even Burgess and Roman, had come up behind her.

Antonio helps Jay up, while joking about bruising his ego. She is vaguely aware that the team is already talking about gathering up and leaving when she still hasn't moved from her spot on the ground. She finally stands up as the others make their way back to their cars. Jay hesitates for a moment and looks at her with a slightly rueful expression on his face, but then turns around to go with the others. Her eyes follow him, but she cannot make her feet move along as she tries to comprehend what just happened. She is dumfounded at his reaction. She can count the instances, where he came even close to yelling at her on one hand and she wonders why he did now, when all she wanted was for him to be safe. Her anger slowly turns into worry when she realizes that he only few times he has been this way was when he was struggling with something serious. But she isn't sure if he would tell her the truth anymore even if she asked, so she vows to herself to at least keep an eye on him. She is still standing there, when Kim walks up to her and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"You know, it is ok to worry. I still do with Adam, every time." Kim says.

"What? No, it's not…" She wants to say 'like that', but the words get stuck in her throat, because for her it is exactly like that. Kim gives her a knowing glance.

"Erin, I am not blind and I can count two and two together from what you have told me." Of course she could. She wasn't exactly subtle just then.

"But it is different for you. I mean, at least you are allowed to worry… You two can be together." She whispers, more to herself than Kim, really, but she hears it anyway.

"It wasn't always like that… But you know what? In the end," Kim shrugs at her with a smile "it's not about whom you can be with, but whom you can't be without. Well, it was for me, anyways." Erin can't decide whether Kim's advice is meant to be apologetic, pitying or encouraging, but it sticks nonetheless. She is still mulling over it, when Burgess calls her over from where she has walked ahead.

"Come on. We are all heading to Molly's after we finish up and you look like you could use a drink." That she could indeed.

It is the first time they have all gone out to Molly's since she ended them. Usually she would opt out, if there was a chance that he might go, because she has trouble to be around him, when there is no work to keep them on neutral ground. She would just miss him all the more and somehow, she is afraid of witnessing how much has changed for them when she still feels the same. So instead she would go home and drink a glass of wine by herself. Tonight is different though. She doesn't want be alone. The shock from seeing him being shot right in front of her still lingering in her bones and so is the hurt at his reaction to her looking after him.

They end up sitting diagonally across from each other. She is glad that he isn't too close to her (she isn't sure how she would handle that after today), but she also can't keep her eyes from straying over to his even more than usual. They haven't really said a word to each other since they left the suspect's house, but just like her he keeps looking over to her as if he knows that she is still rattled.

Nipping at her beer, she tries to concentrate on the conversation in the group, but her mind keeps wandering back to him. She wants to stop feeling so hurt and worried, because she doesn't really have the right to be either anymore. But no matter how often she tells herself this, it doesn't change anything. She is so preoccupied that she doesn't even notice that Mouse and a woman that she doesn't recognize have joined them at the table until she sees Jay giving her a long and familiar hug along with a genuinely happy smile. She hasn't seen that smile on him in so long and it makes her heart ache that he doesn't look at her like that anymore. He says something to the woman, who nods and smiles in return, but she can't hear a word over the noise in the bar. She is still trying to figure out how the unknown woman relates to Jay (did she miss the introductions?), when the girl takes a seat next to Mouse, two seats over from Jay, and Erin realizes that it doesn't matter who the girl is to him. Someday, someone will be for him what she couldn't be. It will break her heart, but it will be her own doing. In that moment she actually understands for the first time that she really has no claim on him anymore and that this is the way it is going to be, because she chose it for them. Even though she is not okay (and suspects never will be) with him dating someone that isn't her, she will have to watch and pretend she is. He deserves more than the few longing glances they still share every so often. She knows it is unfair to him and it keeps them trapped in a maybe. Yet, she can't let go. So she keeps them both holding out for something that can't happen in the hope that somehow someday they will be okay again.

She tries to draw in a deep breath to keep herself from unraveling right there in front of everyone, but it feels like the air is made of stone and it is impossible to inhale. He seems to notice that something is wrong because he looks at her then, silently asking if she is ok. He always knows when she isn't. Of course, she is not and the look in eyes tells her that he isn't either. She holds his gaze longer than she should, but she can't help herself because this is all that is left from their one day. And then it becomes too much and she breaks their eye contact first. He is just too close and he still looks at her with the same yearning that has been eating her up inside. She doesn't know what to do anymore, because she can't move on and she can't go back. She wants to cry and scream and yell at him for making it so hard, but she knows it isn't his fault. If anything, it is hers. So before she loses it completely, she gives him a tight smile and stands to head to the bar. "I need another drink." And some air.

She doesn't even stop at the bar, but runs directly outside, because she feels she is suffocating in there. She staggers a bit as she realizes how cold it actually is outside with no jacket, but she isn't ready to go back inside. So trying to gain some composure, she leans at the wall a few feet next to door and closes her eyes taking deep breath. The biting cold is actually helping in a way.

Then the front door opens, disturbing the quiet night momentarily with the bar noise. She can feel him standing in front of her before he even speaks a word.

"You are going to freeze to death." She opens her eyes to see him holding out her jacket. The gesture is so sweet, she almost wishes he would yell at her again, because it would make it easier. Wordlessly she puts her coat on and leans back onto the wall, hoping that he will just go back inside. She needs a moment to pull herself together and he is making that next to impossible. Of course, he doesn't leave though. Instead, he studies her before asking "Everything alright?"

She almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of his question. Obviously it isn't, but she doesn't even know where to start or how to tell him without completely wrecking what is left of their relationship.

"You know it isn't." She admits finally. It seems futile to deny it, when he always knows anyways. Silence lingers between them as neither of them knows what to say. There really isn't anything left to say at this point that can make things better. So she keeps quiet as she watches him run a hand over his face. Eventually, she pushes herself off the wall to head back inside and tell the others good night. She feels exhausted now and just wants to go home, but he addresses her before she has even taken a step towards the entrance.

"Erin? I'm sorry about earlier..." With her eyebrows slightly drawn together she waits for him to elaborate. He brought it up and now she wants to know why he was so mad at her.

"I snapped at you, when you didn't do anything wrong. I just… It was…" He trails off a little helplessly and she wonders again if he is not telling her something.

"Is everything alright, Jay?" It is her turn to pose the question that seems so ridiculous under the circumstances, but she is becoming slightly worried, because he is never at a loss for the right words to say.

"You know it isn't." Giving her an unhappy smile, he repeats her own answer and she knows it is because of her. She tries to reach out to him, to put her hand on his arm just for comfort, but he takes a step back before she can. "Don't." This time his tone is much softer and his request is followed by a silent _please_, but it doesn't hurt her any less, just in an entirely different way. She hurts for him, too.

"I'm sorry." She doesn't know what else to say.

"No." He sighs. "It's not our fault. Sometimes I just don't know how to put us back into that box of being just partners, when I still love you. So I need to separate us, you, from what we were; and days like today make it impossible to do that, if you are there, trying to take care of me." He says to explain. She doesn't know if he even realizes that he just told her that he loves her, but she notices the second the words have left his mouth. He loves her, too. It is a glorious feeling, but all the same bitter in the realization that it doesn't make anything better, only harder to give up on.

"You love me?" Her voice is so low, it is barely above whisper. She isn't even sure she is prepared for it to be the truth. How is she supposed to let him go then?

He looks at her with a soft, lopsided grin and answers "Yeah, of course I do." Like it is a given, like she already knows. "You are still the first and the last thing I think about every day and I don't know how to change that; I don't want to…"

She acts before her mind can stop her, because what she is about to do is reckless and stupid and will only hurt her more in the end. But, that seems far away and this is now. She needs that glimpse of happiness, even if it only lasts for the blink of an eye. So her hands reach for his face as she pushes herself towards him, her lips upon his as soon as she can reach them. He isn't responding though, and she moves to pull back, when realizes that. However, the moment she does, he presses his lips back on hers, pulling her face back to him. Her hands sneak under his open jacket as the kiss turns desperate. Mouth on mouth, tongue on tongue. He is kissing her like she is his saving grace, but she is sure they are drowning together.

They only separate, when the need for oxygen becomes impossible to ignore. He is still holding her face inches from his. She can feel his breath on her lips and it makes her crave more, because for once she isn't hurting, like someone glued her back together and made her whole again. But all too soon reality filters back through her muddled mind and she realizes that she messed up, and badly so. She will have to break her heart all over again. This is worse than saying goodbye the first time. She feels like she is choking as she lets go of him and takes a few steps back to put some space between them. "I am so sorry, Jay… I… I… I can't…" She doesn't even know what she can't… Do this? Stay away? "I should go. I'm sorry."." It is a useless apology and a crappy one at that, but it is all she manages to say before turning around and almost running towards her car. Jay is calling after her, but she cannot go back to him, because she doesn't trust herself around him and she screwed up enough already. So she doesn't stop and he doesn't follow.

By the time she makes it to the car, tears have long made their path down her cheeks, and she just sits there and cries until her head hurts and every last drop is shed. This must be the beginning of the end for them, because all they have left is being partners and she can hardly stand it. It is not enough, even though she has tried to convince herself that it is in fear of losing him and ruining them. Unfortunately, the result is the saddest one of all possibilities. He is slipping through her fingers like sand, because she is holding on too tightly, when she shouldn't.

She wants to scream, because this, this is everything she did not want to happen. They are running out of options of how to salvage what they have left. Being partners doesn't work, because they keep blurring the lines and anything else doesn't work, because she can't imagine anyone else as her partner. They are stuck in an impossible dilemma of her own doing. If she had had more faith in them, if she had just listened to Jay when he wanted to be upfront with Hank, maybe it could have been different. She is sure it is too late now. Yet, she can't let him go; she doesn't even want to, but it is making her sad and it is becoming unbearable. Something has to change, she knows. Or she will break.

And just like that she realizes that Kim was right. If she cannot give up on him, she has to sacrifice the things she can. She knows that leaving intelligence should make her apprehensive, but somehow it doesn't. Once she has actually made the choice, she wonders why she didn't do so sooner. They are worth it. So she wipes at her eyes one last time, trying to remove any traces of the tears she cried. Then she starts the car and drives straight to Voight's house, determined to do the one thing that can mend her heart.

It is late when she arrives, but she doesn't care. She can't wait. She doesn't want to risk changing her mind in the morning. It doesn't take long for Voight to open the door, even though he looks like he was already in bed. T-shirt, sweat pants and bare feet. He pulls her inside, because it is cold outside, but doesn't wait for her to go to the living room before asking her what is going on. She suddenly realizes that her face is probably still blotchy and her eyes red from crying.

"I need to talk to you." She figures it is better not to beat around the bushes, so she looks straight at him. She is finally going to fight for him, she just hopes it isn't too late.

"I know you know that Jay and I were seeing each other, even though you told us we couldn't." She pauses, trying to find the right words for what she wants to say. "I am sorry for breaking your trust, but I can't be sorry about being with him… So I'd like to put in for a transfer. You're my family Hank, I want you to be on our side and if leaving intelligence is what it takes, then that's okay." She sighs before adding "Well, not okay, but I will do it."

"Erin Lindsay would do that? For a guy?" He actually sounds incredulous at the thought and she wonders why he always seems to be so determined to not see Jay as the good guy he is. A great guy actually and the one person to make her deliriously happy.

"See, that is what you don't understand; he is not some guy for me!" She tells him. Then in almost a whisper adds "You would have done the same for Camille in a heartbeat…" (She is certain Camille would be on her side in this one.)

She knows what she is implying by that comparison and that makes it the ultimate argument, but seeing the way his eyes widen and his jaw sets at the mention of her name, she realizes that she may have just gone too far, pushed him a little too hard …He doesn't yell at her though. Instead, he stares at her like he can actually see through her skull if he just tries long enough.

"You know, Camille was the love of my life. It's not the same" It is rare that he so openly talks about her. Still, she interrupts him before he can go any further, because she just wants him to understand that she is not that seventeen year old girl anymore; that this needs to be her choice.

"And who are you to say that Jay cannot be mine?!" It comes out as more of a question than a reply. She is not even sure she is ready to go there yet... "At least, give me a chance to find out..." Maybe she is.

"Erin, I don't want to punish you, but working together and dating in our line of work, that's just a recipe for disaster... And I don't want you to get hurt, kid." For a brief instant she almost believes that he is genuinely sorry for her and it gives her hope; hope that there is a fighting chance to change his mind, and she grasps at it.

"But that's the thing. We were always good partners, even then. We were better, actually. And I know you're the boss and it is so unprofessional to even ask, and I am clearly blurring the lines here, and overstepping, but I am not asking my boss, I am asking my father. Please, don't make me choose, because it won't be intelligence this time." It shouldn't have been the first time either.

He looks at her with his eyebrows raised. He almost seems amused (well, amused in the a-little-bit-scary-Voight-kind of way).

"How long?" He asks then.

"How long what?"

"– were you two together before I found out?"

She sighs. Why does he need to know that? "Little over a month, since the task force…"

"Okay." She doesn't know whether he is just confirming her answer or if he actually just gave in. Okay what?

"Okay?" She asks confused.

"Yeah, okay. As long as it doesn't affect work from either of you. I catch even one glitch and it won't be okay, you understand?"

She is speechless for a second. Then she nods as she tries and fails to contain the smile that is threatening to split her face in half. Wrapping her arms around her father figure, she tells him thank you in a low voice. She doesn't trust herself to say anything more, because she feels like she just took her first breath after suffocating for weeks. When she finally lets him go, he gives her a smile before practically shoving her out of his front door. They both know that she wants to go somewhere else right now, so he just wishes her good night, he will see her on Monday.

She has made it down the driveway to her car in a second, already digging her phone out of her pocket to call Jay. She lets it ring until his voicemail picks up. Having too much to tell him to say in a message, she hangs up and decides to just go over to his apartment. If he isn't home, she will wait. But she isn't going to spend another night without him, now that she doesn't have to anymore. When she arrives at his front door twenty minutes later, she still can't quite believe that everything just fell into place. This must be the first time it ever has for her.

She knocks three times and then listens to the quiet to discern if he is even home. For some reason she becomes more nervous with every second she waits. Maybe he is still mad at her for running out on him earlier, when she panicked. Then, she remembers that this is Jay and he always understands, even when she doesn't herself. Hearing the door unlock her body still becomes tense. But then he opens the door and a smile spreads on her face as her eyes settle on his. He seems surprised, his eyes wide, like he can't believe that she is at his door. He is waiting for her to say something, to explain, but somehow all the words get lost in her throat. Instead, she just leaps forward and buries her face in his chest. This is where she belongs. His arms wrap around her waist slowly, almost hesitantly and he sounds apprehensive when he says her name to get her to look up at him. She keeps her face in his chest for a moment longer (he smells like home) before lifting her head to meet his gaze.

"Erin, I know what I said earlier and that I kissed you back, but we can't keep doing this. I won't keep going in circles. This isn't what I want, not if you just end up leaving again." He sounds defeated and it pains her that she hurt him yet again, when she ran out on him. At least this time she knows how to make it better.

"I won't." Her hands settle on his neck so she can reassure him. "I am all in." It's a promise.

She can feel his arms tighten around her ever so slightly, as his eyebrows draw together. "What changed?"

She gives him a soft smile, which grows with every word she says. "I talked to Hank about us and somehow he is okay with you and me. I didn't give him much of a choice…" She beams up at him now as she watches him register what she just told him. Then his lips are on hers, his tongue is in her mouth and the fire that consumes her whenever he touches her is torching her again. She pulls herself as close as possible, but it is still not enough. She needs more, so her hands tug his shirt up his torso. She wants to be skin on skin, heart on heart with nothing but desire and love between them. She realizes then that she hasn't even said it back. She wants him to know before it slips out in a moment of heated bliss. She puts her hands on his chest, pushing lightly so she can gain the little bit of distance that she needs to look up at him. They are both breathing heavy and he seems a little taken aback by her sudden withdrawal, but before he can even try to make sense of it, she has already told him "I love you, too."

His smile is so genuine now, she is glad she hasn't waited a second longer to tell him. He is reaching for her face then, his thumbs running over her cheek before he presses his lips back on hers. This time it is slower, more intimate than ever before, but it still ignites the same incredible feeling in her. This time he loves her and she loves him back. Then he lifts her up to carry her to the bedroom and she is sure that he is it. This is worth anything. This is one day. This is forever.


End file.
